Fresh Off The Boat, Or How I Single-Handedly Saved Television For Asian Americans

I haven’t watched a lot of television in the past five years. I haven’t even owned a television in the past four, so what I do see mostly consists of being at other people’s houses, or once in a great while a show comes along that I simply must go out of my way to watch online.

I certainly hear a lot about TV shows, because everyone I know seems to watch them, and from their conversations and the one or two episodes I do see I can generally piece together what they are supposed to be about. How I Met Your Mother is about a guy who took like a decade to answer a simple question, Modern Family is actually about three families (one of them is gay), and Arrested Development is Michael Cera’s autobiography. So on and so forth. The last show I actually watched all the way through was Breaking Bad, which ironically is about creating so much bad that everyone’s life ends up ruined or ended.

When I started seeing ads and buzz for Fresh Off The Boat, I didn’t think much of it. I’ve been very critical of sitcoms ever since The Simpsons started to suck, and I think that was like a decade ago. Asian family sitcom. Woo. Right?

Wrong.

As the premier approached, one of my friends, Rebecca Sun, became very enthusiastic about it. When I commented on it, I got this as a reply.

youre our only hope

It hit me like a beam of Caucasian light: this wasn’t just some TV sitcom. This was a calling. I had to watch this show.

So a little over a week later when it finally came up for viewing on ABC.com. I suffered through repetitive commercials about curly hair, but I would not be deterred.

When I finally got to start watching the show, it was like nothing I expected. I’m not sure what I did expect, actually. I guess I just thought the mom and dad were the main characters, based on that one ad I kept seeing in the subway.

Fresh Off the Boat Key Art embed

That’s the one. You know I didn’t even notice that kid in the window? Turns out the story is really from his perspective. Yay advertising.

Anyways, the show itself is actually really funny, and not just in a “white people lol” way. Or even a “Asian people lol” way. It’s really more of a “people in unfamiliar terroritory lol” kind of funny, and I think anyone who has actually moved to a new place to start a new life can relate to it. If you’ve never really moved maybe you won’t get this show? I don’t know, but if you have never moved I do think you’re kind of a freak.

So I would recommend this show. But even if you don’t watch it, I can rest assured that my work is done. For by watching the first episode, and each subsequent episode as they come available, I know that I am doing what no one else can: I am giving this show the coveted 18-35 white male demographic view.

You’re welcome, Asian America.

50 Better Alternatives To Seeing “50 Shades Of Grey” on Valentine’s Day

Disclaimer: I have only tried some of these

Author’s Note: I had to Google the name to make sure it was grey and not gray.

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, some people are thinking that seeing a film adaptation of fan-fiction is a good idea. Allow me to disagree! And also allow me to suggest a few alternatives.

  1. Stay in bed.
  2. Eat lots of vanilla pudding.
  3. Go to the zoo to see the animals.
  4. Go to the zoo to see the human animals.
  5. Go to the zoo to liberate the human animals.
  6. Eat a plain bagel.
  7. Play Candy Land with a four-year old who cheats.
  8. Play Candy Land alone.
  9. Play Candy Land alone and still cheat.
  10. Get a fake ID that says you are 20, get denied alcohol.
  11. Get a fake ID that says you are 20, find out where they serve minors.
  12. Read the Wikipedia entry on Existentialism.
  13. Read the Wikipedia entry on Dadaism.
  14. Read the Wikipedia entry on Candy Land.
  15. Choose random Wikipedia entry: replace all nouns with John Goodman.
  16. State the case for a one-state solution to the Israel/Palestine conflict.
  17. State the case for a two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine conflict; both Jewish states.
  18. Give a homeless man money.
  19. Give a homeless man firecrackers.
  20. Cocktail party with your stuffed animals.
  21. Cocktail party alone.
  22. Drink heavily with the lights off while your 80s breakup playlist loops.
  23. Get your name legally changed.
  24. Donate blood.
  25. Donate sweat.
  26. Search your first name on Facebook: friend request every result.
  27. Search your last name on Facebook: unfriend every result.
  28. Go to the train museum.
  29. Go to the plane museum: pretend it is the train museum.
  30. Go to the boat museum: touch displays until you are asked to leave.
  31. Learn the Thriller dance.
  32. Play World of Warcraft.
  33. Play Dungeons & Dragons.
  34. Complain about Dungeons & Dragons without playing it.
  35. Watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
  36. Re-enact the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
  37. Start an herb garden.
  38. Start an organic herb garden, sell herbs, invest profit into Monsanto.
  39. Interrupt “show time” to announce the end of the world.
  40. Start a doll collection.
  41. Start a Dole collection.
  42. Write an essay explaining why all Taylor Swift songs are actually about tyranny.
  43. Talk to Greenpeace people on the street: explain your undying affection for the lumber industry.
  44. Eat paste.
  45. Name your boy Sue.
  46. Walk the line.
  47. Fall into a ring of fire.
  48. Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
  49. Write a much better bondage fan fiction.
  50. Go on a normal date you’ll actually enjoy.

Stuff I Learned From 2014

If there is ever an appropriate time to sit down and over think the past, I figure the designated last day of the year is as close as it gets. And away we go!

In no particular order, I learned:

1. just how difficult it is to supervise and train an uncooperative employee.

2. you can deny Jesus 70-something times in a single day and still feel pretty okay about yourself.

3. that New York City hurricanes probably won’t be a regular thing.

4. how to pass a New York State Driving Exam. My ability to drive is up for debate.

5. that ignorance is not bliss. Having the wrong idea about things can mess you up hard.

6. horror movies are still awesome.

7. that roller coasters are still the best thing ever.

8. that sometimes you just have to force someone to pick up a crucifix.

9. like a single Tango move. Or maybe it was Salsa?

10. Twitter is a fun place to visit, but don’t live there.

11. that photography is easy. Good photography, however, is an actual skill.

12. a vacation in summer is really no more weather-proof than a vacation at any other time of the year.

13. what a wonderful thing coffee really is.

14. that soda is not actually my friend, and has been hurting me for a long time.

15. life is bonkers and there is very little we can do about it. No but seriously it is.

16. that isolation will destroy anyone.

17. that sometimes playing dolls just means holding a doll and talking.

18. Salvation Army will let you donate pretty much anything and give you a receipt for it.

19. I have some really amazing friends. More than I thought I did.

20. that I might just have a future worth looking forward to.

Here’s hoping I don’t need to relearn any of the non-fun lessons. Happy* New Years.

*Your mileage may vary.

4 Fun New Holiday Traditions For The Young And Adventurous

One of the best parts of the holiday season is the shameless embrace of age-old customs and rituals that marked our childhoods. Whether it is little things like getting to open a single present on Christmas Eve or singing carols at old people, or more elaborate celebrations like setting your seven backyard towers ablaze for Hanukkah, there is a comfort and joy to be found in the good old ways.

For many younger people, particularly those starting new families of their own, however, the old way of doing things can be onerous and impractical, or dredge up unpleasant memories of dead reindeer (why doesn’t blood ever wash out?), and so one might be tempted to forego such pageantry altogether. While understandable, I defy such logic. We are young, and the dismal future the baby boomers have left for us is still ours to craft.It is with this unquenchable spirit that I offer to you 5 ideas for adding a new and personal touch to the holidays and make them your own.

1. Candle Fight

This is one for you people who celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, and perhaps any weirdos who would light candles for Christmas (seriously?). Traditionally, one lights one candle after another in celebration of whatever it is Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrate, but for a young person with a taste for wicked good fun and asbestos-laced clothing, nothing can compare to the simple pleasure of throwing the candles at one another. The best part is that lit candles means you can play this fun game at any time or place, even in the middle of the night! Watch out, it’s gonna get you!

2. Stocking Race

We know all about hanging up our stockings upon the chimney with care, even if we don’t have a chimney, or haven’t neglected to renew our restraining order against Santa Claus, but what a waste of good socks! They hang there for perhaps a full month, only to be filled with things from the dollar store on Christmas Eve. Instead of hanging the stockings right away, make a fun tradition that your kids will look forward to year after year! Each kid will stick both feet into their stocking and hop the finish line while we all cheer for them. The winner gets to have their presents, and the losers get a compelling motivation to try harder next year.

3. Write A Holiday Song

Here is one for you artistic types! Nothing says “new traditions” like having a song of your very own to sing and play! I humbly submit a few titles to get the creative juices flowing.

Christmas Time, Yet Again

Mom Can’t Visit Anymore

Where’s My F****ing Candles!?

Randolph The Last Reindeer

Shopping Helps The Economy

Christmas, But For Minorities

4. Burn Last Year’s Gifts

In many ways New Year’s Day marks the end of the holiday season; those who would dare extend it to Valentine’s Day are in desperate need of therapy, do NOT feed their delusions. With all the wonderful gifts and useless garbage you’ve no doubt received over the Christmases and Hannukahs one can begin to feel overwhelmed with consumerist burden, their very soul crushed under the burden of matter. But New Year’s is a time of new beginnings, after all, and what better way to mark the start of your next few weeks of a gym membership or trying to read books than burning all the wonderful things you received in the previous year? There is no better way to warm your heart and your hearth than with the discarded debris of the holidays of yesteryear.

Practical Ways To Respond To The Eric Garner Case

In the wake of the latest failure to indict a police officer involved in the death of a black male, there has been a lot of think pieces, protests, memes, and backlash. In light of these, a few things come to mind that I think would further propel this momentum into making lasting changes. This list isn’t exhaustive, nor do I necessarily think all of them are equally useful or necessary, but you may want to consider them.

1) Educate Yourself

Following the herd because it is there is the worst idea no matter what the herd is saying. We are human beings, and no matter how social we are naturally we still have the capacity to think for ourselves, and every time we don’t we fail ourselves and those around us. No matter how clear cut these issues may seem, there is always a lot of information that simply won’t be widely reported, either because the media prefers a specific spin on the events or they simply don’t see a particular piece of data as relevant. Knowing as much as possible, both about the pivotal events themselves as well as the various factors that led to them happening is vital if you have any intention of making an intelligent judgement of the events.

2) Protest

A large mass of people yelling about things always gets attention. Make sure you did #1 first, however, or you may find yourself protesting something that really shouldn’t be protested, or you may find yourself advocating for changes that wouldn’t actually address the things you are protesting.

3) Write Your Elected Officials

This is vital. It is also vital that you get as many people to do this as possible. If you don’t like how things are done, you need to let them know in no uncertain terms that you want to see changes. And do not stop there. Threaten their elections. Telling a city counselor or DA you are upset is all well and good, but ten thousand people telling them that they have no intention of voting for someone who is comfortable with the status quo will get their attention. Do you think cops are accountable to no one and accusations against them need to be investigated by an unaffiliated party? Tell them that. Think we have way too many stupid laws and that the police shouldn’t be violent enforcers of cigarette taxes? Let them know. I personally believe that the overwhelming majority of problems we face as a nation can be traced to our lackadaisical approach to our elected officials. We let them do whatever they want, and the simple fact is people with power will tend to do whatever they can get away with. If every American citizen held the government accountable to the people instead of special interest groups or absolutely no one, we’d be living in a much better country.

4) Make Some New Friends

Your perspective changes when things affect people you know. I’ve read articles claiming things like 3/4 of white people don’t have any non-white friends, and while I question some of these statistics, it never hurts to have a more diverse set of friends, with varying viewpoints (even viewpoints you may find disagreeable or abhorrent). But maybe you have a lot of minority friends already. In that case, consider making friends with a police officer or someone who works in a DA’s office.

How To Complain Like A Man

You may read this title and think to yourself whilst stroking your beard thoughtfully “what man worthy of the noun would stoop to complaints?” And you may have a point, good sir (or bearded madam). Yet we live in a world where not all is what it should be. Work is hard, toes get stubbed and eventually one will verbalize their discontent with the immediate situation. Yet even in the negative spaces of our lives there is a right way and a wrong way. Today we explore the right way, at least as far as men are concerned (and perhaps some bearded ladies).

The first thing to keep in mind when complaining like a man is that a man goes beyond the immediate and strikes at the heart of the matter. A man does not complain “it is too loud in here”, he instead states “the music is at an unnecessary volume. Also you are speaking an awful lot for someone with so little to say.” Therefore “the herb garden is full of weeds” becomes “the boy isn’t doing his chores” and “we are out of milk” becomes “the boy isn’t doing his chores”. Here are some other examples.

“I’m cold” – Don’t touched the thermostat.
“My pants are too small” – Wife, you bought the wrong pants.
“There’s a funny smell in here” – Don’t let that damn cat inside.
“I’m too hot” – Don’t touched the thermostat.

The next important consideration when complaining with masculine vigor is that a true man takes action. Passivity is for the cat the boy keeps letting back inside. Therefore, for a complaint to truly become the complaint of a man it should ultimately become statements of intent or, if you are a man of authority, direct orders. For example, “those pants do make you look fat” could become “consider a different pair of pants” but a better option is “I’m eating your dinner for the next week”.

Finally, it is important not to make too big a deal of minor nuisances. A man who cannot tolerate minor annoyances is unfit for burning down a forest to make room for his new buffalo wrestling pit. Here are some every day scenarios you can apply to your life.

“I’m hungry” – The Man can shove it, I’m going hunting.
“I’m thirsty” – Boy, go dig an irrigation ditch.
“I almost tripped on the cat” – Wife, find a dog breeder on the World Wide Web. Something that eats cats.
“It’s too dark in here” – Boy, stop burning the forest, we’re building a new house instead.
“Too many hippies around here” – Hey, you guys ever see a dead cat?
“This dinner doesn’t taste good” – …
“This dinner seems to be made with expired meat and vegetables.” – …
“This dinner is clearly poisoned, there is a bottled labeled ‘poison’ inside my mashed potatoes.” – …
“There is a salesman at the door” – Wife, get my gun.
“There is a telemarketer on the telephone” – Wife, get my telegun.
“There are too many ads on this Internet web site” – Wife, get my gun.com.
“My wife has stolen all of my guns” – Great dinner, Wife.
“I just stubbed my toe” – This wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t have a cat.
“I am ill” – I’m fine.
“I am injured” – It’s nothing.
“I am on fire” – Don’t touch the thermostat.
“I am literally bleeding to death” – I’m good.
“Those neighbor kids are too loud” Hey, you kids ever see a dead cat?
“Our barber shop quartet is missing a baritone” – Boy, go find your sister.
“That hurt my feelings” – Wife, invite him to dinner.

5 Awful Christmas Songs

Christmas time is here (happiness and cheer), and that means half the radio stations in America are churning out Christmas songs instead of Top 40 hits for reasons I don’t fully understand. Not that I mind, I love Christmas music, and there is something special about having a specific time of year to listen to some of my favorite songs. Not all songs are created equal, however, and along with classics like O Holy Night and that one song that the Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays we are also stuck listening to garbage; worthless slime music that plays over and over because no one has the good sense to set them to flame and scatter the ashes. Here are some of the worst offenders.

1. Feliz Navidad

To ease you into the charred hatred, we’ll start with this little number. You may object to it even being on the list. You think it is charming, and has a nice message to it. You probably also loved it when the Teletubbies watched children do asinine activities and then shouted “AGAIN!” so you could watch the exact same video clip a second time. This song is repetitive in ways that would make a clock blush. Genetically identical clones have more variation. It is literally one verse and one chorus. Over and over. But as bad as it that is, the verse and chorus are saying the SAME DAMNED THING. “Prospero año y felicidad” is the closest thing this song has to a unique line, and it too is endlessly repeated like the chanting of brainwashed cultists.

2. Wonderful Christmas Time

Paul McCartney is a gifted songwriter, but he’s possibly even better at churning out mindless pop hits for money. So I can understand why this song exists, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. The jist of this song is “well it’s Christmas, so I guess we’re supposed to be having fun right now” and it has all of the emotional thrill to match. His voice stays at an even pitch just high enough to grate on your nerves but not quite enough to drive dogs wild and actually make something fun happen. And I don’t know what is making the instrumental music, but it ought to be declared a war crime.

3. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

I would be remiss to miss this little gem. In addition to being an awful song in general, it is without a doubt the single most horrifying song about Santa Claus. Most of them are about him dropping off carefully-picked presents, or offering mutant reindeer a useful task, but the only purpose of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” is to scare children into submission. He can see you at ALL TIMES, and just a single misstep is enough to get you on the naughty list. Which he checks twice, by the way. And what are these terrible crimes that’ll get you naughty-listed? Shouting, crying, pouting. We’re talking about children here. So the lesson here is to bottle up all emotions and don’t speak above a whisper or the omniscient master of the North will despise you. Bang up job there, carolers.

4. Happy Xmas

Yes I looked it up, this is apparently how the name of the song is written. Couldn’t even be bothered to write out the word “Christmas”, John Lennon? Probably just as well, because this isn’t even a song about Christmas. This is yet another limp-wristed war protest song (there are in fact war protest songs that aren’t limp-wristed). Now there is nothing wrong with being against war in general principle, because only the most vile person would actually enjoy war, but many times it is simply not an option. When someone confronts your family/clan/tribe/nation with violence, protesting against conflict only helps the people who want to hurt you. But never mind all that; you can have a good song that just happens to be wrong. Most love songs have no idea what love is but still manage to be enjoyable. This is a droning mess with an obnoxious children’s choir, and I think Yoko Ono is also singing which is never a good idea. Unless your only metric for good songs is “did John Lennon write it” this song falls short by any measure.

5. Last Christmas

Oh, this song. Of all the atrocities inflicted upon us this Christmas season, there is perhaps none worse than this one song. This is the black ice on your sleigh ride, the anthrax hidden in your chestnuts roasting on an open fire. If you took every bit of pointless self-absorbed bitching about the holidays and crammed it into a pressure cooker, you would have the first part of this song. Completing it requires harvesting an entire year’s worth of misery, and that just so happens to be what the song is all about. The moron singing this gave their heart away to someone who in turn tossed it aside on Boxing Day. Did moron learn their lesson about being haphazard with their feelings? Well, they declared an intention to give their heart to someone “special” this time around, to save themselves from tears. Sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? Except what do you think they did last Christmas? Gave their heart to someone special. And what do you think they’ll do a few years from now? Give their heart to some other “special” person. Here’s an idea, maybe being drunk on eggnog at a Christmas party after months of stressing out about holiday shopping and your desperate lonliness isn’t exactly the best condition for finding true love, hmm? Just a thought.