Svedka I don’t want your vodka or your robot women

Once in a while I’ll drink vodka, more because it feels like a totally kick-ass drink than because of anything as fundamental as taste or a pleasurable experience in my throat. To be honest, I generally have a hard time believing that people honestly enjoy the taste of any alcoholic beverage over the taste of other things. When I do drink, it’s because it seems like the thing I ought to do (because I’m at a bar or something, or everyone else is drinking).

Chances are a lot of other people feel this way as well. So it falls upon the shoulders of alcohol to make itself seem more likable. Beer commercials conflate athleticism with drinking, or more commonly the presence of women with drinking, while wine probably makes it sound like drinking it will make you classier than the guys drinking beer in hopes that women will appear ex nihilo to smile at them.

Obviously, Svedka decided they could do better than offer women or self-respect. They decided to go with a robot lady.

Exactly what was supposed to be appealing about this? Does Sweden assume we’re all sexually attracted to machines? Is it supposed to be some kind of humorous or ironic thing? Perhaps we have to be drunk on their vodka to get the joke?

Whatever is supposed to happen here, it isn’t. The robot woman is not sexually enticing so much as mildly terrifying. Walking down 8th Avenue will immediately educate anyone that there is no shortage of woman-substitutes for that special brand of desperate man, but speaking as a man I just can’t see this cold metallic walking mannequin working well in that department.

To go further, not only is she a scary fake woman, she is a robot woman. As in, a robot. Anyone who is sufficiently versed in pop culture to know what a robot is has no doubt enjoyed/been disappointed with one of the following:

Now what do these artificial intelligences, and indeed every robot/machine/whatever in the history of fiction have in common? They are all trying to kill us. Robots kill us or are destroyed trying. This is an immutable fact of science, right up there with Themodynamics and however it is that solar panels work. And the Svedka fembot is no different. Chances are she doesn’t even have the consideration to wait for you to get drunk; take your eye off of her for one second and she’ll have that robot hand firmly imbedded in your cranium. We all know this is exactly what would happen. So why pretend otherwise, Sweden? Are you already robots? Because that would honestly explain a lot.

So in conclusion, why would I risk life and limb drinking with hateful machine whores when so many other drinks promise me decidedly less deadly human interaction instead?

On the other hand they do have a vanilla flavor. That might be worth trying.


3 Responses to Svedka I don’t want your vodka or your robot women

  1. RS says:

    Glados! I’m so glad I recognize that last one! (I’ve never actually watched 2001 or Terminator, but my brother introduced me to Portal and Portal 2 this summer.)

    • AJBulldis says:

      Portal 2 is perhaps the most beautifully written game I have ever had the privilege of playing. And unlike the Svedka Vodka Bot, I would totally go drinking with GLaDOS.

  2. Pingback: AJBulldis’s Top Ten Posts Of 2011 « Bulldis in a China Shop

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