College or something

To the one or two people who actively watch this blog, I guess it has been obvious that I haven’t posted anything at all in the last few days. The main reason for this is because I haven’t seen any movies since walking out of Texas Killing Fields, and I haven’t encountered any ads that bugged the hell out of me. So now I’m stuck writing a stupid life update. Hate these things so much.

I’ve started looking into going back to school via online colleges and the like. I don’t like the idea of sitting in a classroom putting up with the insipid questions of other students, and since I’m online all the time anyways I may as well make use of it. I’ve largely stalled, however, partly because I don’t know what it is I want to study, and partly because I don’t know my real motivation for wanting to go back to school.

See, it could be that I want to better myself, to open up career options, and someday become something more than a boring clerk. Or maybe this is yet another desperate attempt to fit in better with the people I’ve found myself around most of the time; by having some kind of degree, I would therefore have one more thing in common with them.

If the former is true, that in itself still isn’t a good enough reason to go back to school, at least not for me. I’ve largely given up on the pursuit of happiness, and even the pursuit of contentment and not dying in the streets seems a bit excessive at times. Happiness for me seems to have very little correlation with my situation, and more to do with what I’m being distracted with at the moment. I can watch something funny and forget all my cares for a few minutes, and that is certainly a lot cheaper than going to school and hoping that 2-4 years of homework and tests and thousands of dollars is going to produce more long-term results.

And it’s not like I have a bad job. Not terribly fulfilling, but I can’t say I honestly believe other jobs would feel differently. So maybe I can do some school, get another job, feel good about myself for a few days or weeks and then come back to how I feel now, or I can stay where I am and feel this way all the time except when I go watch some movie or YouTube videos or something.

And, going back a few paragraphs, if the latter is true, and this is all an attempt to feel like I belong, then the entire effort is a complete waste. Because either I belong or I don’t. If I do, then going to school won’t give me stronger and more satisfying relationships. And if I don’t, then I never ever will and it’s high time to give up.

Which is all not to say I am backing out on the idea, because I’m not. But I’ll need much better reasons to pursue this course of action than I currently have if I am indeed going to do it.


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