Christmas Trip: The Part Where I’m Not Actually On A Trip Because I Didn’t Go Anywhere

Saturn’s Day

2:55 PM: Having completed my most productive day of work for the entire week, I clock out using my magic name tag, and depart for home. I pass two of the managers on the way out, and say absolutely nothing to them as I do so, but in all fairness they didn’t say anything to me either. You can hold my taciturn ways against me when others act the same way.  Stop judging me!

3:0X: As I enter Queens Plaza Station, I notice that both the E Train and the R Train are at the platform. Almost as though it were an elaborate joke, the doors of both trains close just as I am descending the stairs, and depart soon thereafter. Cursing under my breath, I start pacing the platform, wondering when the next train will arrive. As I am doing so, I can’t help but notice that there are an awful lot of people waiting around here. People that by all counts should have gotten on one of those trains. Particularly attention grabbing were the number of Asians in olde timee clothes, as well as the astonishing number of cameras everyone, Asian or otherwise, was holding.

3:1X: As luck would have it, the mystery of every situation is neatly solved by the arrival of the most unusual train of subway cars I have ever seen. They looked so…old. Was it a trash run? Some kind of bizarre emergency thing? Oh no, none of those things. It was the special olde timee Holiday Train, that I knew absolutely nothing about, but that everyone else here had been waiting patiently for. Following the lead of everyone else, I board the train and travel several decades into the past.

The train was pretty much the best and most amusing thing ever. The cars had odd colored floors, cushioned chairs, actual fans installed in the ceiling (some working, others not) and adorning the walls were all sorts of olde timee advertisements for things like U.S. Bonds, floating school, announcements for events from several decades ago, an old schedule telling me how long it would take to travel from station to station along what is now the A Line (which was a bit odd because this train was travelling along the M line). There was even an ad for the Miss Subway Contest, deciding who the most beautiful subway rider was. Also the fair was about 15 cents at one point. That would be cool if it were still the case.

As we traveled along, some people got on and off, while others just stared incredulously at the rolling anachronism. Eventually it stopped at the 2nd Avenue Station.

3:4X: Growing bored and impatient, I decide to leave the magic time train and go home, jumping on an F train as it comes into the station. I get off at the next stop, believing it to be West 4th Street Station. It is not. Annoyed and still too impatient to just sit still and wait for the next train, I decide I’m just going to walk somewhere for a little bit. Maybe catch a taxi. I just really hate standing around waiting and not moving or doing anything. I don’t pretend to be rational.

3:5X: Walking Northish, I take in the sights and sounds of a city with a depleted population (thankfully there was little in the way of smells). I walk past some part of NYU, and remark to myself “oh there it is”. At some point, I encounter a thrift store named Monk’s or something. It is the sort of place you see on hipster TV shows or hipster movies, where you can find something totally awesome that you didn’t even know you wanted. Sadly, life is neither a TV show nor a movie, and I am far too heavyset and my glasses rims too thin to be a hipster. The only thing that catches my attention is an old flask, and I don’t drink nearly enough to make use of it. Sides it was $35 and I’m not paying that much just for the novelty of some Christmas Eve thrift shopping.

4:0X: I walk through Washington Square Park, and it then occurs to me that I am the only one in the whole city not wearing a jacket or coat of any sort. Then I punch the Washington Arch a few times before heading on my way.

4:0X: I decide to see a movie, and start heading towards where I think the one near Union Square is. Despite not being completely sure where it is, I manage to find it anyways. Then I go see The Muppets. It’s a great movie. Some people brought their children to see it. They clearly didn’t appreciate it as much as I did. In fact they barely laughed at all. Freaking kids. What, do parents think they will enjoy a movie just because it has puppets in it? This isn’t freaking Sesame Street. Sure The Muppets are still family-friendly, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to have nothing but dumbed down physical humor that kids will actually comprehend, let alone enjoy. Don’t take kids to see The Muppets. They are too dumb to enjoy it.

6:XX: The movie ends. I don’t stick around to see if there is anything after the credits because I have to pee pretty badly. Then I leave and get on the N or R or Q train to head towards home. I don’t really remember which one it was.

6:XX: I get off at Herald Square, because the plan is to then ride a B or D train further North, where then I’ll switch to an A or C train at some point. I get impatient again, though, and leave. I hear a train arrive as I finish ascending the stairs, and I tell myself that it can’t possibly be one of the trains I wanted.

6:XX: I take a cab home, because screw rationality and sound spending habits. I give a 20% tip because screw miserly behavior.

6:3X: I am home now, and proceed to run the single best D&D game over an IRC thing in the history of ever. Nothing but murder and in-jokes. The only thing missing was a bunch of pizza and soda.

Sun’s Day

12:XX: I go to bed.

10:XX: I get out of bed.

10:XX: I play some DC Universe Online, but don’t really accomplish much aside from arresting The Ultra-Humanite. You either know who that is or you don’t. Eventually I shower and eat breakfast and such.

11:xx: It finally occurs to me that I never picked up my laundry yesterday.

12:XX: I go pick up my laundry.

12:XX: I leave my apartment to go to the movies, having decided to go ahead and see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

1:0X: I spend way too long in the concession stand line. Luckily I wasn’t behind the woman next to me, because I swear she took like ten minutes to decide to just buy freaking water. At that point I come up with the brilliant plan of having a separate line just for people getting popcorn and soda, thus leaving more elaborate items for other lines, and getting everyone through the lines faster as a result. On second though being in that woman’s line might have been better after all, because the guy who took my order was kind of a jerk who tried to sell me a pretzel when I distinctly said Nacho Combo. I mean come on. Those don’t even sound alike.

1:1X: I finally get into the movie theater with my snacks in hand. Since saying excuse me is beneath me, I just climb over some seats to get to where I want to sit. I then proceed to watch The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which is a lot different than The Muppets. I  recommend children not see this movie as well.

4:0X: I get out of the theater, and get on the A Train. At 59th Street, however, I get back off because for some reason I feel like walking home. Probably because of all the nachos and such.

6:0X: I get home slightly faster than Google Maps thinks I should have. Suck it Google. I even took a small break to buy some Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate. And a donut.

6:4X: I start writing this very blog post. That’s meta and cool, right?


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