New Year’s Resolutions For 2012

It occurs to me that most people don’t make resolutions anymore, citing their failure rate and the fact that they are boring jerks who hate themselves and the world. That second part they say in their head. Usually.

Being neither boring nor bearing any particular hatred towards the planet, I still make resolutions. I make damn awesome resolutions. I have not made a New Year’s Resolution since 2009, but today I do it once more!

1. Get a driver’s licence.

2. Punch Frankie Muniz in the face.

3. Vastly increase my punching power through work-outs and exercizes.

4. Lose 5 pounds a month for the next six months.

5. Punch Frankie Muniz in the gut.

6. Introduce yet another invasive species to Australia.

7. Become slightly less misanthropic/apparently misanthropic.

8. Get rid of the stuff I don’t have any use of anymore.

9. Punch Frankie Muniz in the throat.

10. Become better friends with lawyers, just in case Frankie Muniz is a person with civil and natural rights.

11. Find a way to create a hybrid of prehistoric dragonflies and prehistoric spiders, thus teaching humanity to fear once more.

12. Write/blog more often.

13. Play video games less often, especially when I could be doing something productive.

14. Avoid chemical dependency for at least another year (starting to push it with caffeine).

15. Avoid assaulting anyone for at least another year (Frankie Muniz notwithstanding).

16. Eat less fast food.

17. Order less calorie-dense foods when I do eat fast food.

18. Understand this human emotion you call “love”.

19. Avoid getting fired for at least another year.

20. Punch Frankie Muniz in the junk.

Epilogue: Holy crap Frankie Muniz is a racecar driver! And a drummer! Who should I senselessly hate now?

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3 Responses to New Year’s Resolutions For 2012

  1. Flak says:

    My New Year’s Resolution is pretty much just not to suck

  2. Trevor says:

    I’m guessing you witnessed a horrific movie featuring Mr. Muniz.

    • AJBulldis says:

      That and he slowly became a bigger and bigger jerk in Malcom in the Middle, which caused a lot of problems for me because in typical sitcom style he was the character I identified with, and I wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that I was a jerk myself.

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