My Faith Is Dead
November 20, 2014 7 Comments
I’ve been a Christian for a little over 8 years, I think. I still believe it is true, for whatever worth that is, but I can no longer bring myself to live it. I can no longer trust that God cares about me, has my best interests in mind, or has any intention of making my life more fulfilling.
Time and time again, I’ve stepped out in faith, trying my best to believe what I couldn’t see, that God would pull through at the last minute and that everything I had been through would start to make sense. And time and time again, I’ve stepped forward just to find that there was nothing under my feet, and I fall down on my face. It’s become too painful. Every time I think something might be changing, that I’ve learned something or have grown somehow everything manages to fall apart and I end up no different or better than where I started. So I’m not going to try anymore. It doesn’t matter what God supposedly has planned, I can’t bring myself to get my hopes up and have them dashed again and again. I’m exhausted and my strength has given out, and there is no comfort to be found.
Hope in general has become a sick joke in my life. In the last several years I’ve only felt a few, so-called desires of the heart. One was some difficult to articulate desire to write something great that would make a mark on the world somehow. The other is so deep and personal that I can barely bring it up without becoming choked up, but I want to be a husband and father. But I know it’s never going to happen. I can’t do what it takes. No woman could ever love me that way, and if they deceived themselves enough to do it anyways, I could never inflict myself on her like that. They all deserve better.
Some of you might read this and think to reach out and comfort me. Do us both a favor and don’t bother. It’s happened before and it’s like clockwork. You say something like what a great guy I really am, or how what I do is so appreciated, or just that you arbitrarily love me. And maybe it makes me feel better for a little while. And then you leave and go back to your real friends and your busy fulfilling life, and I’m left all alone again until the high of temporary socialization fades. Maybe you do care, but you can’t help me.
Not sure where I will go from here. Probably find a lot more distractions until God finally relents and lets me die.