My Faith Is Dead

I’ve been a Christian for a little over 8 years, I think. I still believe it is true, for whatever worth that is, but I can no longer bring myself to live it. I can no longer trust that God cares about me, has my best interests in mind, or has any intention of making my life more fulfilling.

Time and time again, I’ve stepped out in faith, trying my best to believe what I couldn’t see, that God would pull through at the last minute and that everything I had been through would start to make sense. And time and time again, I’ve stepped forward just to find that there was nothing under my feet, and I fall down on my face. It’s become too painful. Every time I think something might be changing, that I’ve learned something or have grown somehow everything manages to fall apart and I end up no different or better than where I started. So I’m not going to try anymore. It doesn’t matter what God supposedly has planned, I can’t bring myself to get my hopes up and have them dashed again and again. I’m exhausted and my strength has given out, and there is no comfort to be found.

Hope in general has become a sick joke in my life. In the last several years I’ve only felt a few, so-called desires of the heart. One was some difficult to articulate desire to write something great that would make a mark on the world somehow. The other is so deep and personal that I can barely bring it up without becoming choked up, but I want to be a husband and father. But I know it’s never going to happen. I can’t do what it takes. No woman could ever love me that way, and if they deceived themselves enough to do it anyways, I could never inflict myself on her like that. They all deserve better.

Some of you might read this and think to reach out and comfort me. Do us both a favor and don’t bother. It’s happened before and it’s like clockwork. You say something like what a great guy I really am, or how what I do is so appreciated, or just that you arbitrarily love me. And maybe it makes me feel better for a little while. And then you leave and go back to your real friends and your busy fulfilling life, and I’m left all alone again until the high of temporary socialization fades. Maybe you do care, but you can’t help me.

Not sure where I will go from here. Probably find a lot more distractions until God finally relents and lets me die.

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7 Responses to My Faith Is Dead

  1. Flak says:

    yesssssss welcome to the club

  2. Trevor says:

    We choose our own paths. The presence of God is merely so that we may reflect on our actions and thoughts in a universal context. God does not grant wishes nor does he control the steps of his children. We go forth by our own accord. Any faults in our lives are our own and it is weak to blame another for our own shortcomings. I have gone through this before where I felt my insecurities and poor attitude stem from my parentage or upbringing in general. Without a doubt my personality and who I am derives from early experiences, but I know that so there is no excuse to not take action. The first step is recognizing one’s faults. Secondly one should act. Whether it be a weight issue, confidence complex, it does not matter. We are all here to fulfill our own purposes and we and we alone choose that purpose and how to attain it. We can feel sorry for ourselves in moments of weakness but that suffering should only be more motivation to become stronger and defeat the malicious personal assault. Be who you want to be, not what you believe you should be or what society expects of you. It is as simple as that in concept. The most difficult part is owning up to it and moving on.

  3. The Arizonan says:

    It’s tragic to hear that you’re backsliding in regards to your faith in God. He was providing you some kind of inner peace. I’m not here to tell you what to believe. God is not a genie or anything like that. One thing my father tried to teach me growing up is that life is what you put into it and what you do. Anyways, I hope things get better for you.

  4. Pingback: On Encouragement, Optimism, and Other Alien Things | Bulldis in a China Shop

  5. Pingback: What I Learned Since “My Faith Is Dead” | Bulldis in a China Shop

  6. She ate her slice and spent the whole play unable to give attention to the stage, ruminating about how unclean”
    she was for eating that one slice of pizza.

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