Virginia Trip 2014 Part 1: Trains and Winter Rains

7:00 AM: I rise to the sound of my iPhone alarm, brutally silencing it with a harsh glare and harsher touch. The air is wet with moisture. Hardly an ideal day for long distance travel, but a little late to do anything about it now.

7:15 AM: Basically screw around.

8:00 AM: Realizing at some point I need to get my act together, I stop screwing around so much and get to work packing. Though initially I endeavor to fit everything in my back pack, it was not to be, and I am forced to use my old gray duffel type thing.

8:XX AM: I stumble into Dunkin Donuts eager for a quick fix of energy. The cashier is bewitching and slyly manages to convince me to buy some manner of coupon card for ten slightly less expensive coffees. Confound it all.

9:50 AM: I arrive at Pennsylvania Station, noting immediately that my train is projected to be 15 minutes late. Putting all the years of cunning I have acquired from Amtrak at my disposal, I subvert bathroom lines, escalator lines, and even the expensive food. I am seated before most customers even know the train has arrived.

11:XX AM: The train departs, and we zoom out way through wretched New Jersey. Though I cannot see them, it is safe to assume the vile denizens attempted to claw their way in to feast upon my soft and delicious brain meats throughout the journey. Somehow we bypass the final boss entirely, but he no doubt awaits another encounter.

12:XX PM: A woman sits next to me, there being few other available seats. She is taken with me immediately, intuitively knowing that I am a dominant alpha male who can be trusted to protect her bag while she gets food. She knows it is not to be, however, and I applaud her restraint.

2:XX PM: We arrive at Washington DC. My love-struck companion departs, bravely hiding her tears. I sit in darkness and quiet, contemplating the weird way DC’s Union Station isn’t a thrice-damned basement like Nee York Pennsylvania Station. These are thoughts for another time.

5:XX PM: After a few hours in Virginia, I become aware that we are somewhat more behind schedule than I first assumed. Hacking the Amtrak central database using my username and password, I am able to deduce that we have been going really slow and are becoming later with each station and interlocking. Mildly annoyed, I decide it is counterproductive to destroy the train right then and there.

6:XX PM: I give in and eat Amtrak’s expensive food. Such a tiny can of soda. 7 oz, what the hell.

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