5 Awful Christmas Songs

Christmas time is here (happiness and cheer), and that means half the radio stations in America are churning out Christmas songs instead of Top 40 hits for reasons I don’t fully understand. Not that I mind, I love Christmas music, and there is something special about having a specific time of year to listen to some of my favorite songs. Not all songs are created equal, however, and along with classics like O Holy Night and that one song that the Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays we are also stuck listening to garbage; worthless slime music that plays over and over because no one has the good sense to set them to flame and scatter the ashes. Here are some of the worst offenders.

1. Feliz Navidad

To ease you into the charred hatred, we’ll start with this little number. You may object to it even being on the list. You think it is charming, and has a nice message to it. You probably also loved it when the Teletubbies watched children do asinine activities and then shouted “AGAIN!” so you could watch the exact same video clip a second time. This song is repetitive in ways that would make a clock blush. Genetically identical clones have more variation. It is literally one verse and one chorus. Over and over. But as bad as it that is, the verse and chorus are saying the SAME DAMNED THING. “Prospero año y felicidad” is the closest thing this song has to a unique line, and it too is endlessly repeated like the chanting of brainwashed cultists.

2. Wonderful Christmas Time

Paul McCartney is a gifted songwriter, but he’s possibly even better at churning out mindless pop hits for money. So I can understand why this song exists, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. The jist of this song is “well it’s Christmas, so I guess we’re supposed to be having fun right now” and it has all of the emotional thrill to match. His voice stays at an even pitch just high enough to grate on your nerves but not quite enough to drive dogs wild and actually make something fun happen. And I don’t know what is making the instrumental music, but it ought to be declared a war crime.

3. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

I would be remiss to miss this little gem. In addition to being an awful song in general, it is without a doubt the single most horrifying song about Santa Claus. Most of them are about him dropping off carefully-picked presents, or offering mutant reindeer a useful task, but the only purpose of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” is to scare children into submission. He can see you at ALL TIMES, and just a single misstep is enough to get you on the naughty list. Which he checks twice, by the way. And what are these terrible crimes that’ll get you naughty-listed? Shouting, crying, pouting. We’re talking about children here. So the lesson here is to bottle up all emotions and don’t speak above a whisper or the omniscient master of the North will despise you. Bang up job there, carolers.

4. Happy Xmas

Yes I looked it up, this is apparently how the name of the song is written. Couldn’t even be bothered to write out the word “Christmas”, John Lennon? Probably just as well, because this isn’t even a song about Christmas. This is yet another limp-wristed war protest song (there are in fact war protest songs that aren’t limp-wristed). Now there is nothing wrong with being against war in general principle, because only the most vile person would actually enjoy war, but many times it is simply not an option. When someone confronts your family/clan/tribe/nation with violence, protesting against conflict only helps the people who want to hurt you. But never mind all that; you can have a good song that just happens to be wrong. Most love songs have no idea what love is but still manage to be enjoyable. This is a droning mess with an obnoxious children’s choir, and I think Yoko Ono is also singing which is never a good idea. Unless your only metric for good songs is “did John Lennon write it” this song falls short by any measure.

5. Last Christmas

Oh, this song. Of all the atrocities inflicted upon us this Christmas season, there is perhaps none worse than this one song. This is the black ice on your sleigh ride, the anthrax hidden in your chestnuts roasting on an open fire. If you took every bit of pointless self-absorbed bitching about the holidays and crammed it into a pressure cooker, you would have the first part of this song. Completing it requires harvesting an entire year’s worth of misery, and that just so happens to be what the song is all about. The moron singing this gave their heart away to someone who in turn tossed it aside on Boxing Day. Did moron learn their lesson about being haphazard with their feelings? Well, they declared an intention to give their heart to someone “special” this time around, to save themselves from tears. Sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? Except what do you think they did last Christmas? Gave their heart to someone special. And what do you think they’ll do a few years from now? Give their heart to some other “special” person. Here’s an idea, maybe being drunk on eggnog at a Christmas party after months of stressing out about holiday shopping and your desperate lonliness isn’t exactly the best condition for finding true love, hmm? Just a thought.

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